I have no business attending the Cannes Film Festival, with my illustrious acting career mainly comprising of tiny film appearances few and far between, mostly in the vein of man #2, man on street or man in car crash. Yeah, my film career never really took off. Maybe it has something to do with me being a terrible actor. I once auditioned for a soap opera and they told me I’m too fake.
Anyway, in May of 2015 I found myself going to Antibes to celebrate a friend’s bachelorette party at a villa in Antibes. Being so close to the action, I just had to try and crash the festival. Turns out, it’s really hard. You can’t really sneak in anywhere without seven huge security guards yelling at you in French. There are already dozens of people begging for invitations for galas and premieres on the streets.
I had several friends and acquaintances attending the festival and its infamous parties, but even they couldn’t help me in my quest for festival fun. I never got the chance to mingle with Emma Stone or Sharon Stone. I didn’t even get to rub shoulders with Jake Gyllenhaal’s bodyguard. I think the closest I got to festival glamour was on my Norwegian flight from Helsinki to Nice, filled with the highest echelon of the Finnish film industry. Unfortunately I spilled cheap champagne on my crotch on the bumpy flight and effectively ruined any chance of resurrecting my flailing film career.
Even though I was forced to admire the glamorous festivities from afar, I had a great time. Maybe it was all that rosé. Or maybe it’s just that Cannes is a wonderful city of seemingly endless summer. The Croisette is lined with tall palm trees, the ocean glistens in shades of turquoise and the sun never stops shining.
Cannes is so much more than the annual film festival. The cosy and atmospheric old town is full of beautiful narrow alleys, charming bistros and refreshing rosé wine. The city is also a boating enthusiast’s dream.
I ended up spending most of my time in Cannes offshore, leering into the mega yachts of the mega rich from our much more modest boat. We didn’t even have a helicopter landing or a pool, how embarrassing is that.